J.B. Priestley’s An Inspector Calls might be packed with moral lessons, dramatic tension, and class critique—but it’s also unintentionally hilarious at times. Between the dramatic monologues, awkward dinners, and sudden confessions, this play offers more sharp lines and unintentionally funny moments than you might expect.
In this post, we’re taking a light-hearted stroll through 80+ funny, witty, and sarcastic Inspector Calls quotes. Whether you’re studying the play or just enjoy watching characters squirm under pressure, this collection is guaranteed to make you laugh, cringe, and reflect all at once.
Iconic Lines from the Inspector (With Sass)
- “We don’t live alone. We are members of one body.”
- “It’s better to ask for the earth than to take it.”
- “Public men, Mr. Birling, have responsibilities as well as privileges.”
- “Each of you helped to kill her.”
- “You’re offering the money at the wrong time.”
- “We are responsible for each other.”
- “She died in misery and agony – hating life.”
- “A chain of events.”
- “Sometimes there isn’t as much difference as you think.”
- “There are millions and millions and millions of Eva Smiths and John Smiths still left with us.”
Mr. Birling’s Greatest Hits (Also Known as Dramatic Irony 101)
- “The Titanic… unsinkable, absolutely unsinkable.”
- “I say there isn’t a chance of war.”
- “The way some of these cranks talk and write now, you’d think everybody has to look after everybody else.”
- “A man has to mind his own business and look after himself and his own.”
- “I was Lord Mayor here two years ago… so I know the Brumley police officers pretty well.”
- “Hard-headed practical man of business.”
- “I speak as a hard-headed business man.”
- “The Germans don’t want war.”
- “There’ll be a public scandal.”
- “This makes a difference, y’know. In fact, it makes all the difference.”
Sheila’s Sarcastic Growth Moments
- “I know I’m to blame—and I’m desperately sorry.”
- “I behaved badly too. I know I did. I’m ashamed of it.”
- “So I’m really responsible?”
- “He’s giving us the rope—so that we’ll hang ourselves.”
- “But these girls aren’t cheap labour—they’re people.”
- “You’re just beginning to pretend all over again.”
- “You mustn’t try to build up a kind of wall between us and that girl.”
- “It frightens me the way you talk.”
- “I suppose we’re all nice people now.”
- “You’re ready to go on in the same old way.”
Gerald Croft’s Awkward Truth Bombs
- “All right. I knew her. Let’s leave it at that.”
- “She didn’t blame me at all. I wish to God she had now.”
- “I became at once the most important person in her life.”
- “I didn’t feel about her as she felt about me.”
- “I insisted on Daisy moving into those rooms.”
- “She was young and pretty and warm-hearted—and intensely grateful.”
- “I didn’t ask for anything in return.”
- “I hate those hard-eyed dough-faced women.”
- “It was inevitable. She was young and pretty and warm-hearted.”
- “What about this ring?”
Mrs. Birling’s Tone-Deaf One-Liners
- “Girls of that class—”
- “I accept no blame for it at all.”
- “I don’t believe it. I won’t believe it…”
- “Go and look for the father of the child. It’s his responsibility.”
- “Unlike the other three, I did nothing I’m ashamed of.”
- “You know, of course, that my husband was Lord Mayor only two years ago.”
- “As if a girl of that sort would ever refuse money.”
- “I was the only one who didn’t give in to him.”
- “I blame the young man who was the father of the child.”
- “I think it was simply a piece of gross impertinence—quite deliberate.”
Eric’s Brutally Honest Moments
- “You don’t understand anything. You never did.”
- “I’m ashamed of you as well—yes, both of you.”
- “You killed her. She came to you to protect me—and you turned her away.”
- “You’re not the kind of father a chap could go to when he’s in trouble.”
- “Well, I was in that state when a chap easily turns nasty.”
- “I insisted on giving her enough money.”
- “I wasn’t in love with her or anything—but I liked her.”
- “I was a bit squiffy.”
- “The fact remains that I did what I did.”
- “We did her in all right.”
Sarcastic Summaries of the Whole Family Drama
- “Nothing says happy family dinner like a murder investigation.”
- “This escalated from small talk to moral breakdown in under an hour.”
- “They went from champagne to shame real quick.”
- “Who needs dessert when you’ve got guilt and social commentary?”
- “Brumley’s most awkward dinner party.”
- “And you thought your in-laws were bad.”
- “Plot twist: the inspector was also your conscience.”
- “This family needs less etiquette and more empathy.”
- “One phone call ruined everything. As it should.”
- “From smug to shook in 3 acts.”
Modern Takes on Classic Lines
- “You know it’s bad when the dinner guest drops moral truths instead of dessert.”
- “The Inspector was basically the ghost of consequences.”
- “Mr. Birling really said, ‘War? Never heard of her.’”
- “Sheila: the only one who understood the assignment.”
- “Mrs. Birling: elitism in heels.”
- “Gerald: ‘I helped her out… then ghosted her.’”
- “Eric: the messy younger brother who actually grows up.”
- “The Inspector: part therapist, part moral enforcer, full savage.”
- “Dramatic irony? Try family-sized denial.”
- “If this play were a meme, it would be ‘This you?’ on loop.”
Unintentionally Funny Moments That Still Slap
- “Mr. Birling talking about war like he’s reading a weather report.”
- “The Inspector appearing like a moral SWAT team.”
- “The Birling family realizing they’ve been the problem the whole time.”
- “Everyone panicking over their reputations while ignoring the actual dead girl.”
- “Mrs. Birling judging a pregnant girl while her own son caused it.”
- “Gerald saying ‘I didn’t love her’ like that’s a defense.”
- “Mr. Birling panicking more about his knighthood than a dead woman.”
- “The Inspector dipping out like ‘My job here is done.’”
- “The phone ringing at the end—mic drop moment.”
- “Everyone learning nothing… and then the play ends.”
Conclusion
There’s no denying that An Inspector Calls is packed with drama and moral lessons—but looking at it through a sarcastic and witty lens makes it even more entertaining. These 80+ Inspector Calls quotes remind us that sometimes, the best way to tackle serious themes is with a little humor, a sharp eye, and maybe a side of irony.
Which quote had you laughing or nodding in agreement? Share your favorite moments, or add your own twisty interpretations in the comments.
Pass this post along to your fellow lit lovers, English classmates, or anyone who enjoys a side of wit with their stagecraft. And next time the inspector calls… try not to panic.