Laughter is one of the simplest joys we can share, and often, it’s sparked by a few witty words. Humor has a way of lightening the heaviest moments, sarcasm adds a clever twist to life’s ordinary truths, and wit helps us see the world through sharper, funnier eyes.
That’s what makes quotes of the day so refreshing: they deliver timeless wisdom with a punch of fun.
In this collection, you’ll find more than 80 funny, witty, and sarcastic quotes. They’re grouped into categories so you can enjoy everything from witty life observations to sarcastic one-liners.
Whether you’re looking for a laugh, a dose of motivation with a twist, or a clever perspective, these quotes will leave you smiling and thinking.
Witty Life Observations
- “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” —Oscar Wilde
- “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” —Franklin D. Roosevelt
- “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” —Dolly Parton
- “It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.” —Confucius
- “You have to believe in yourself when no one else does.” —Serena Williams
- “When you have a dream, you’ve got to grab it and never let go.” —Carol Burnett
- “The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.” —Oprah Winfrey
- “For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.” —Michelle Obama
- “Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come without leaving happier.” —Mother Teresa
- “Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.” —Michael Jordan
Funny Truths About Life
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” —Anonymous
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” —Earl Wilson
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” —Lily Tomlin
- “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” —Will Rogers
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” —Anonymous
- “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” —Steven Wright
- “Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop.” —Unknown
- “Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” —Charles Schulz
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” —Anonymous
Sarcastic Wisdom
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” —Anonymous
- “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” —Jackie Mason
- “I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” —Anonymous
- “Why do they allow ‘silent’ and ‘listen’ to be spelled with the same letters? Irony.” —Anonymous
- “I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” —Anonymous
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” —Steven Wright
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.” —Oscar Wilde
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde
- “The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” —Albert Einstein
- “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx
Quotes About Success With a Twist
- “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” —Thomas Edison
- “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” —Groucho Marx
- “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” —Joe Girard
- “Work hard. Millions on welfare are depending on you.” —Anonymous
- “Success is relative. It keeps you in relatives.” —Anonymous
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” —W.C. Fields
- “The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” —Jean Giraudoux
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
- “Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.” —Hubert Humphrey
- “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” —Claude McDonald
Clever Quotes About Relationships
- “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” —Anonymous
- “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” —Rodney Dangerfield
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” —Anonymous
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
- “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” —Gore Vidal
- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns
- “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” —Albert Einstein
- “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” —Steven Wright
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” —Groucho Marx
- “The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Quotes About Work and Office Life
- “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams
- “Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.” —Anonymous
- “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” —Don Herold
- “The reward for good work is more work.” —Francesca Elisia
- “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” —Steven Wright
- “Teamwork is essential—it allows you to blame someone else.” —Anonymous
- “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.” —Anonymous
- “Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.” —Tom Wilson
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Charles Lamb
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A.A. Milne
Funny Motivation Quotes
- “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” —Betty Reese
- “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” —Will Rogers
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” —Oscar Wilde
- “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” —Billie Burke
- “If Plan A didn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.” —Claire Cook
- “The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.” —Anonymous
- “Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.” —Edgar Bergen
- “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” —Elbert Hubbard
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” —Elbert Hubbard
- “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?” —Steve Jobs
Quotes About Age and Getting Older
- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” —Bob Hope
- “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” —Walt Disney
- “You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.” —John Grier
- “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.” —Anonymous
- “Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” —Bob Hope
- “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” —Jennifer Yane
- “Old age comes at a bad time.” —San Banducci
- “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.” —George Burns
- “Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.” —Caryn Leschen
- “At age fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.” —George Orwell
Sarcastic One-Liners for Everyday Life
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” —Anonymous
- “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.” —Anonymous
- “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.” —Anonymous
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” —Anonymous
- “Don’t worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” —Anonymous
- “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” —Chandler Bing
- “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.” —Anonymous
- “Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.” —Anonymous
- “I’m not special, I’m just a limited edition.” —Anonymous
- “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” —Anonymous
Conclusion
Quotes of the day don’t always have to be serious or profound. Sometimes, the most memorable ones are laced with humor, wit, or sarcasm that makes you laugh while secretly nodding in agreement.
These 80+ funny, witty, and sarcastic quotes bring lightness to the everyday grind, offering clever perspectives on life, love, work, and more.
Which quote made you laugh the most? Share your favorites in the comments, or add your own witty line to the mix. Don’t forget to spread the laughter—share this collection of quotes of the day with friends or bookmark it for those moments when you need a quick pick-me-up.